


never enough (when will love be enough?)

by aebecee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Time Skips, idk what else to tag without spoiling too much but yea light angst!!!, past markren, past nahyuck, post valentines fic!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 16:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17790530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aebecee/pseuds/aebecee
Summary: “The only thing we never get enough of is love and the only thing we never give enough is love,” — Henry MillerRenjun and Jaemin’s broken hearts found comfort in each other’s presence, but it was not enough.





	never enough (when will love be enough?)

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a very random post valentines renmin drabble!! it's a bit angsty that's why i posted it after the 14th lol enjoy reading!

Renjun could clearly remember that day, he was drenched in rain, his clothes were soaking wet, creating a puddle of rainwater underneath his shoes. He was standing outside the coffee shop he usually frequented in, temporarily taking shelter from the harsh rain, shivering out in the cold.

His gaze was fixated on the wet pavement, wordlessly watching the huge droplets of water fall down with all their might, only to break into tiny bits of matter once they hit the ground. It could have been because of the cold harsh wind or his already wet skin, but his brain could barely register his very own rain, falling from his red-rimmed eyes.

“You’re crying,” he heard a voice say.

It was only then when he saw another pair of shoes standing beside him. Through his tear-filled eyes, he looked up to the owner of the voice.

It was him.

He knew him, but he did not know his name. They were not friends, but they were not strangers; they were somewhere in between that thin line separating the two.

He hated how he saw his reflection in the eyes of the taller. His wet mop of blonde hair, his bloodshot eyes; he looked absolutely pathetic.

 

Renjun despised caffeine, but there was that one coffee shop near his university which served a really good jasmine tea and he just found himself coming back again and again for it.

It was just his usual sunday afternoon. He entered the coffee shop in a daze, his oversized sweater hanging loose on his small frame. He proceeded to line up to order his tea, and while he was waiting, he was making a mental list of all the deadlines he needed to submit that week.

When it was already his turn, he ordered his usual tea, and then rummaged through his pockets for his wallet. His eyes widened in realization when it was not there. Damn. He must have missed it when he left his dorm in haste earlier.

He tried to look for it on his other pockets too, but the line was getting longer and people were getting impatient so he just smiled apologetically toward the cashier, “I’m sorry-” he was just about to cancel his order when a voice interrupted him,

“One venti americano with extra shots of espresso and one venti caramel frappuccino, miss, please,” the stranger flashed a smile, “I’ll pay for his order too,”

“No, no, you don’t have to!” Renjun frantically shook his head.

“Let’s not make the line longer, can we?” the stranger glanced at the long line of people waiting for their turns behind them, and it was enough to shut him up.

Renjun could literally feel several pairs of eyes on them, and he almost broke in a cold sweat from all the unnecessary attention he was getting, so he just hesitantly stepped on the side, “Y-yeah,” his cheeks burned in embarrassment.

He did not dare to look up at the taller stranger, and likewise, the stranger did not make any effort to talk to him, it was just a comfortable silence. However, he was curious, of course, so he glanced up, just a quick second of his curiosity getting the best of him.

The stranger appeared to be around his age, but taller than him, handsome, yes, definitely a lot more striking than he was with his hazel brown hair styled upwards. His side profile was godly too, perfectly sharp jawline, but in contrast to that, he had the softest and longest eyelashes. Renjun did not mean to stare, but it proved to be a hard task, when the stranger looked that good.

When their drinks were served, he could not help but grimace at the strong smell of coffee, and the taller brunette chuckled at that.

“It’s funny to see someone who hates coffee in a coffee shop,” the taller commented, amused.

“Not my fault that their tea here is damn good,” Renjun mumbled, unconsciously puckering his lips in a childish manner.

“Well then,” the brunette grabbed a few tissues from the counter and picked up his drinks.

“W-wait,” Renjun panicked, and he did not mean to grab on to the taller’s arms, “I’m sorry!” he retracted his hand like he was burnt by the warmth of the other.

“I’m sorry, let me just- let me get my wallet real quick so I can pay you,” he quietly mumbled. He was embarrassed, so he just opted to look down and play with the loose strings on the hem of his oversized sweater.

“I’m kind of in a hurry, so maybe next time,” the taller said in an ever so gentle tone, “You don’t have to worry about it though, it’s not a big deal,”

“O-okay,”

Renjun watched the brunette walk away with two coffees on both of his hands. The frappe was definitely not for himself, how sweet of him to buy a coffee for someone else.

Oh, he forgot to ask his name.

 

A few days had passed, and just like Renjun’s usual thursdays, he dropped by that coffee shop again to get his jasmine tea before his class starts. He was kind of rushing though because he was running late, so when he met the gaze of a familiar brunette sitting on a table near the glass walls, he could only offer an apologetic smile before dashing out the door.

He did not miss the caramel haired boy sitting across the brunette though, and the half-empty caramel frappuccino in front of him.

He found himself smiling, a melancholic kind of smile, while walking toward his class.

It must have been nice.

He was forced out of his thoughts when his phone rang, his eyes widened in shock and embarrassment because it was so loud in the dead silent hallways of his department’s building.

A soft sigh escaped his lips when he saw the caller’s ID. There was a long pause before he tapped the green button and placed the phone against his ear, “Hyung,”

_Mark <3_

 

The following week after, Renjun was in that coffee shop again, but this time, he was not alone. He was with Mark, his boyfriend. They were out for a date after a while. Mark was taking up a pre-medicine program and he was usually busier than an average university student so they barely spent time together.

They were planning to watch a movie that day, but Renjun would not be able to get by without his tea so they had to drop by and line up for it.

From the corner of Renjun’s eyes, he saw two familiar figures sitting on the same table near the glass walls again, still with the same flavored drinks, chatting happily. The brunette did not see him this time, probably because he was too preoccupied with whatever the caramel haired boy across him was talking about.

When it was already Renjun’s turn, he ordered his jasmine tea for to-go and another two strawberry shortcakes for dine-in.

“Babe,” Mark protested in a quiet manner, was about to remind him that the movie will start in 15 minutes, when the smaller blonde gently squeezed his boyfriend’s hand which was intertwined with his own.

“It’s not for me,” Renjun assured him, “It’s for someone who helped me before,”

The smaller blonde unconsciously smiled when he thought of the brunette.

 

It was the week of preliminary examinations. Renjun had huge bags under his eyes from pulling off an all-nighter the night before, and he was having a very bad headache from the lack of sleep, he needed his jasmine tea, so he found himself in that coffee shop again.

His eyes looked for that certain table near the glass walls on their own. It almost became a habit of his already.

He was there, the brunette, but unlike the previous days, he was sitting on the table alone. His chin was resting on the palm of his right hand, elbow propped on the table, a dazed look on his face while watching the dark grey clouds looming over the city. There was not even a drink on his table.

“Sir?” the cashier called Renjun’s attention, “May I take your order?”

Renjun snapped out of his trance, “I’m sorry, please give me my usual order,”

“Oh, and one venti americano with extra shots of espresso, please,” he hastily added.

The cashier tilted her head in confusion as she encoded his orders, “I thought you did not like caffeine, sir,”

“I still don’t,” Renjun confirmed with a slight smile, “It’s for him,”

“Oh,” the cashier glanced at the lone figure of the brunette on the far corner of the shop, “He’s been there for quite a while already,” she mumbled worriedly before focusing back on her work.

He asked the staff to serve the strawberry shortcakes before because he was with Mark, but this time, he brought the americano toward the brunette’s table himself.

“It may rain, but I’m sure you’re headed for sunshine,” Renjun said as he placed the cup of americano in front of the brunette, “I don’t know what your problem is, but it’ll get better,”

The brunette slowly turned his head and looked up at him. There was an unfazed look on his face, a slight amused smile on his lips.

“I promise,”

It took a moment before the brunette could reply in his usual deep voice, “Thanks,”

Renjun sighed, met the dark gaze of the brunette for one last time, before turning around and headed for the door.

“...but he’s my sunshine,” the brunette quietly confessed, to no one in particular, with a bittersweet smile lingering on his lips.

 

The sound of rain reverberated loudly against their ears as they stood outside the coffee shop. It was as though the loud rain was mocking the dead silent atmosphere between the two. For a moment, Renjun was too caught up in the sparkling eyes of the taller, his hazel brown eyes that matched the color of his hair.

“I look pathetic,” Renjun chuckled bitterly as he averted his gaze. He was drenched in rain, rainwater dripping from his hair and clothes pathetically.

“If you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine,” the brunette said with an empathetic smile on his face.

Renjun’s brows furrowed in confusion, but before he could even react, a handkerchief was being handed to him.

“I’ll be your sunshine for today,”

The smaller could not help but stare at the handkerchief in his hand dumbly, “Why,”

“Thanks for the coffee,” the taller grinned, albeit not reaching his eyes.

Despite the sparkling eyes, the blinding smile of the taller, Renjun learned that even he was facing his own demons at that very moment.

 

The strong aroma of coffee hit his nose painfully the moment he stepped inside the coffee shop. Renjun shook his slightly wet hoodie, he was not in his best condition to care.

“You’ll catch a cold if you keep doing that,” the brunette who was already sat on his usual table inside the coffee shop scolded the newcomer quietly.

“I don’t like umbrellas,” Renjun shrugged, “It’s too much of a hassle to bring one,”

The brunette sighed in defeat before he stood up, “I’ll get us something to drink,”

He came back with their usual drinks, but it was warm, not their usual iced ones.

A sigh of relief escaped Renjun’s lips when the hot liquid flowed down his throat, effectively calming his nerves, “Thanks,” he met the brunette’s gaze across him for a split second before casting down his eyes again.

The brunette, on the other hand, turned his head toward the glass walls to watch the dark grey clouds looming over the city once again, “Ha, why is it raining so much these days,” he lazily mumbled. It was not particularly a question, just him thinking out loud.

Renjun found it comfortable, loved it even; the ambiance in the coffee shop, the brunette’s presence, the silence. He realized he never really sat down inside the coffee shop, always running around with his to-go jasmine teas. It was all new to his busy life of deadlines and examinations as a student.

“Jaemin,” the brunette suddenly said, breaking the silence.

“Huh?”

“My name, if you’re wondering,” the brunette sat across him added, turning his head back to meet his gaze.

Oh.

“I-I’m Renjun,” the smaller blonde awkwardly introduced himself.

“Injun,” the brunette tilted his head, his lips pouting slightly out of habit.

“That would do as well,” a smile unconsciously found its way on Renjun’s face.

 

“You love him, and he loves you,” Jaemin started, then there was a long pause after,, “Why did you break up with him?”

“You love him, and he loves you,” Renjun muttered, eyes never leaving the taller’s, “Why didn’t he say yes?”

“I asked first,” Jaemin pouted his lips, it almost seemed like he was whining.

Renjun rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his jasmine tea before putting it back on the table, “What are you, a child?”

“You’re only a few months older than me,” Jaemin scoffed, “Excuse you,”

Renjun giggled at that, “I hate that you’re much taller than me, but you’re acting so dumb,”

Jaemin feigned hurt, “I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not,”

Playful smiles were on their lips, but they both knew that they were not talking about so light; they were sharing pieces of themselves to each other, to another person whom they barely knew.

“Mark was always busy with his studies, and his university organizations, and then his responsibility to his family,” Renjun began, “It was impossible to fit me in the picture, don’t you think?”

“He sounds like a jerk to me,” Jaemin commented, absentmindedly playing with his cup of americano.

“He loved me, really,” Renjun said in a small voice, “But somehow I felt like it was not enough,”

“What do you mean?” Jaemin asked, a crease evident on his forehead.

“I don’t know,” Renjun considered his words carefully, “I love him, and I could feel that he loves me, but there was still that empty void inside me,”

_It was not enough._

Jaemin could only stare intently at the blonde sitting across him, thousands of questions in his mind.

Donghyuck’s words were still vivid in his mind, ringing loudly against his ears. The caramel haired boy said he loves him, yes, but as a friend, and that he was looking for something else, for something more.

 _He was not enough_.

Jaemin found himself drowning in his thoughts until Renjun called him out for it.

“You okay there?” the small blonde gently tapped the table.

“Y-yeah,” the brunette absentmindedly nodded, eyes blinking in a daze.

“Your turn to answer my question,”

The glint in the eyes of Jaemin changed as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, "He shined brighter than anyone, so bright, that my own light has dimmed,"

Both of them shared their sentiments, their heartbreaks, and then they realized that they could relate to each other so much, and as cliché as it sounds, they were almost like a match made in heaven.

By the end of their conversation that day, the two young adults had only one question in their minds.

_When will love be enough?_

 

Jaemin blinked his eyes several times. For a second, he could not believe what he was seeing, that he was seeing the right boy skipping through the crowds toward his direction.

They were meeting outside the coffee shop for the very first time, in the university’s art fair. Renjun was majoring in literature, but his hobby was painting, so he had a face paint booth along with his art major friends, Chenle and Jisung.

The smaller boy soon arrived in front of him, his ebony black hair bouncing cutely when he was skipping through the crowds, a cow-like white creature painted on his flushed cheeks.

“You dyed your hair,” Jaemin said with an equally huge grin on his face.

“New hair, new me,” Renjun tilted his head excitedly as he jokingly striked a pose, “How do I look?”

Breathtakingly beautiful.

Jaemin realized he said it out loud when Renjun awkwardly cleared his throat and averted his gaze, his flushed cheeks becoming even redder.

“Yeah, that,” Jaemin let out an awkward laugh. He chewed on his lips, pretending to look around the art fair booths while mentally banging his head against a wall.

Renjun cleared his throat for the second time, and in an attempt to save the awkward atmosphere, he invited Jaemin to visit their booth, in which the taller boy agreed.

However, it was hard for two people to get through the crowd without losing each other so Renjun opted to grab Jaemin’s wrist, but to his surprise, the taller used his other hand to loosen the smaller’s grip and then guided his hand to intertwine it with his own.

“There, that’s better,” Jaemin said with a charming smile, Renjun almost swooned right then and there. Almost.

“Yeah,”

 

“Oh-ho, it’s the engineering boy,” a boy with cat-like smile, whom he assumed to be Chenle, whistled when they arrived at their booth.

Jaemin raised his brow, “Does he talk about me a lot?” he jokingly asked.

“You bet, he-,” the other boy, probably Jisung, started but was interrupted when Renjun pushed them out of the booth.

“You two can take a break from booth duties,” Renjun ushered them out, “Bye!”

Chenle’s betrayed face was hilarious. Jisung, on the other hand, was laughing so hard. The two went out anyway, but not after they wiggled their eyebrows suggestively just to annoy the hell out of Renjun.

“Those two are Chenle and Jisung, but you don’t need to know them,” Renjun huffed.

“Mhm, you mentioned them one time,” Jaemin chuckled as he sat down.

“Uh-huh,” Renjun nodded as he laid out different face paint designs on the table, his eyes twinkled when he met Jaemin’s gaze, “Choose one while it’s still for free,”

Jaemin just smiled at that, and then scanned the designs, but nothing really caught his attention, “Won’t you choose for me, mister painter?” he glanced up.

“Hmm,” Renjun pouted cutely, “How ‘bout I make a new design just for you?”

“Definitely,”

Jaemin’s heart was pounding against his chest loudly, he prayed that Renjun would not hear it because he was so close, too close for comfort.

There was a look of concentration in the pretty face of the smaller. His eyes were blinking cutely in concentration, he would sometimes scrunch up his nose, and then purse his plush lips unconsciously, along with the gentlest strokes of brush on his cheeks, and with the close proximity, he could clearly see all of it in a close up view.

It was a bit too much for his heart.

“There we go!” Renjun beamed when he showed him his work through a hand mirror.

Jaemin blinked in awe, “A sun,”

“Yes,” Renjun smiled, his eyes twinkling in so much adoration, “ _My sunshine_ ,”

Oh.

Jaemin felt bad, really bad.

The moment he saw the sun on his cheek, he was immediately reminded of a certain caramel haired boy. It pained him that Renjun considered him as his very own sun, while he thought of another person as his sun.

That was when Jaemin realized that what he was doing was unfair.

Jaemin unconsciously uttered another person’s name in a daze, and there was no way that Renjun missed that.

That was when Renjun realized that their relationship was wrong, in so many ways.

 

“I could already imagine how great of a couple we could be,” Renjun said with a breathy laugh.

They were back at the coffee shop again, at the exact same table near the glass walls, with their favorite jasmine tea and americano in front of them.

“It wasn’t-,” Jaemin chewed on his lips, “It wasn’t your fault,”

“Neither yours,” Renjun fiddled with his sweater paws, but his eyes were locked on the brunette across him, “I’d like to believe it’s the natural tendency of humans to seek comfort, to ease our aching hearts,”

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin lowered his gaze.

“Please don’t be sorry, you’ll make me feel bad,” Renjun averted his gaze as well, turning his head toward the glass walls, the view of dark grey clouds looming over the city was a sight to see.

Jaemin finally lifted his head, a hopeful, sincere expression on his face.

“If I’m going to be honest,” Renjun softly started, resting his chin on the palm of his hand, elbow propped on the table, “I’m rather thankful for meeting you,”

“I realized rainy days don’t matter at all,” Renjun had a bittersweet smile on his petite face, “Why should I head to sunshine, or look for other people to be my sunshine, when I can create my own?”

It was a foreign feeling for Jaemin, almost comparable to a sense of pride in some way.

“That’s beautiful,” Jaemin gently said, “Wait, no, you’re beautiful,”

“You’re leading me on again,” Renjun jokingly said, hoping to lighten the mood. The tension in the air was getting heavier as time passed by.

“No, really,” the taller brunette flashed his ever so charming smile, “You’re beautiful,”

Renjun could have replied to that, but he chose not to, and just focused on the cup of tea in front of him. He picked it up and took a sip.

“Injun,” Jaemin’s deep voice was so, so gentle, it flowed flawlessly, “It isn’t so easy to heal our broken hearts, only time will tell,”

Renjun smiled sadly, but he nodded in agreement nonetheless. They wanted an easy way out from the pain, so they tried to patch it up with infatuation which they labeled as love for their convenience.

“...and when the time comes, I want to love you, Injun.”

There was a lingering ache on their chests. They had the wrong love, and they met each other at the wrong time as well.

“I certainly hope to meet you again someday,” Renjun said in a hopeful manner, “When we’re both ready to love with all we have,”

The two of them just stared at each other for god knows how long, as though they were savoring their last moments with each other.

“I guess this is goodbye for now?” Jaemin cautiously asked, he could only force a slight smile on his lips.

Their relationship was not healthy, and they both knew that they had to let go, but they had grown fond of each other, they truly cared for one another, to the point that a sudden goodbye was already so painful for their hearts.

“Yeah,” Renjun released the breath he did not realize he was holding as he wobbly stood up from his seat, closing his eyes for a few seconds to calm his very own rain threatening to fall.

“Let me at least walk you home,” Jaemin offered, already standing up to pick up his coat.

“No, Jaem,” Renjun stopped him midway, small hand clutching on his arm, “I’ll be okay,” the smaller boy assured him.

“Keep yourself hydrated, you potato-head,”

Jaemin deliberately ignored how the smaller’s voice cracked as he choked back a sob, both of them were keen to keep their unsaid promise with each other; no more tears would fall.

“You too, take care of yourself,”

It was just like the other day, Jaemin slipped his hand to intertwine it with Renjun’s, both did not want to let go, but they knew that they had to.

“Definitely not a goodbye,” Renjun whispered, and then courageously tiptoed to peck Jaemin’s cheek, “See you,”

That day, no tears fell, but the skies cried for them. Jaemin could only watch the small back of the other heading toward to the door with a lingering familiar ache on his chest.

...and with that, they parted ways, with hopes for a better tomorrow, holding on to their promises of meeting each other again in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> i always say this to cee, my friend, that renmin is such an angsty ship and whenever i see an angsty prompt, i always think that i must write a renmin fic hhh. thank you for reading!
> 
> pls luv meeee [twt](https://twitter.com/jaemnoren)


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